A Grief Observed Part 2

Chapters three and four of A Grief Observed dig deeper into the depths of despair that Lewis finds himself in. He questions the Lord's presence during this difficult time. He has not forgotten the Lord but he is finally having to put his faith in Christ into action. He discusses moments of grief that his friends have had to endure and how he could not really identify with what they were going through until he himself felt such the sting of death. H, I imagine was a beautiful woman. Not so much in the physical sense but in the depths of her personality. The way that C.S Lewis talks about this woman one would think she was his source of strength. He in no way makes her seem perfect, in fact he sees the both of them as sick and in need of a doctor. She is real, and I can picture her being his encouragement through difficult times. Up until this point they had one another to lean on through difficult times. His source of comfort is detached from him and now he must look upward for his strength, which is where it should always lie.
When one visits a cemetery they can expect two things, to see tombstones, and the realization that there are hundreds of dead people below their feet sets in rather quickly. If you think about this thought it is not as morbid as it is a sense of closure. I think people go to cemeteries for a lot of reasons. To pay respect to the dead, to visit a loved one lost, to expose an angry heart to a person who can no longer respond but listen. These are all reasons to go to a cemetery. For myself I go to feel peace. I find myself hiding this fact because most think this idea crazy. For me I look at it as a place where there is no need to rush time or worry about the list of things to do, the people here are no longer in this place. It is us who need this home. Their bodies are gone but we are left with this sense of openness, and when going to a cemetery we receive some closure. Their quietness releases the groans of our hearts. I knew no one in that cemetery but reading tombstones I tried to pretend the thoughts these families had as they watched these people being lowered into the ground. Such despair can be unfathomable but yet we do not die with them physically even thought there are parts of our soul that feel almost dead. I think this is what C.S Lewis is feeling, death to parts of his soul. Yet, he is becoming more alive in a sense. He no longer can hang onto H as his crutch. He can remember her and still love her but he has to reach this point of realization and peace. Her time spent here was beautiful but this life is only a mere glimpse into the one the Lord has prepared for us.

Additional Post on Joel

To make up for missing the art activity in class I decided to do a post about the book of Joel. There is so much to be said about this book. Some would look at this book and say that is has this darkness about it. I would say I agree. Joel has dark moments, moments that expose parts of the human mind that are often pushed aside. However, this book contains so much life. It holds hope for the future. It holds the cries of a God for His people. I think about my relationship with God in relationship with the people of Judea. The Lord has this open invitation for me to gather around the dinner table and I refuse to sometimes take a seat because things in my life seem more important at the time. While I know He loves me and desires me I am in no way deserving of the beautiful relationship He desires with me. I for the longest time would choose to push Him away because their were areas of forsaken within me. He beckoned me in with love and I find myself only sometimes responding. How sad is that? The creator of the universe wants to spend time with me and He has to take a backseat to my wants and desires. He is ever so patient with me. He is tender but yet quick to expose the areas that I need Him so desperately so. Oure relationship is growing into something beautiful. I am flawed, at times the stars seem to go black in my life but yet the hope He places in my heart is not only sustaining but life giving.


I will leave this blog post with these words of hope from the Lord to Joel and the people of Judea.
Joel 2:21-23
Do not be afraid, land of Judah;
   be glad and rejoice.
Surely the LORD has done great things!
 Do not be afraid, you wild animals,
   for the pastures in the wilderness are becoming green.
The trees are bearing their fruit;
   the fig tree and the vine yield their riches.
 Be glad, people of Zion, 

C.S Lewis

These first few pages of chapter one introduce my to a side of C.S Lewis that I had yet to experience. He is discussing one of the most desperate times of his life. He is to this point of grief that is causing such depression. His heart seems weary. "For those years H and I feasted on love,every mode of it solemn and merry, romantic and realistic, sometimes as dramatic as a thunderstorm, sometimes as comfortable and unemphatic as putting on your soft slippers." There are several things I wanted to identify out of this passage. First, I love the fact that he calls his wife H. I am unaware of her name in these first few pages and this makes it almost like a secret between him and his wife. It was something they shared that I am becoming apart of. Another thing I would like to point out is that he discusses love and all of its forms. He views it as both beautiful and tragic. It is this idea that we americans have that love is only kisses and hugs but clearly it is not simply JUST those things. It is about something deeper than that. The imagery of those pages really pop out to me and paint me this scene of beautiful tragedy.

C.S Lewis talks about God in these pages and it seems to me that despite his tragedy, He can still sense God. His heart is beyond broken but he has this hope in Christ even in the depths of his despair. It really is quite beautiful, having hope in God despite circumstances. He talks about reliving these moments in his head at which he can visually see H doing the simplest of things, but at the moment that idea of them make it feel so much more complex than that.
This book really is honesty, and in its transparency it is beautiful.

I think this book reminds me of This Blessed House in the way that some of the feelings Lewis is having of rethinking things reminds me of Sanjeev. He replayed memories in his head of how things are and how they previously were. He recalls the moment he fell in love with Twinkle and now he is questioning everything. I find this similar to the images and thoughts Lewis is having towards H. He knows that he loved her but he wonders if perhaps it is all just an illusion.

Illustration of Joel

Joel in itself is a very vivid and descriptive book. The imagery is absolutely beautiful. 
In the beginning of the book there is this depiction of locust swarming all around and devouring everything in site. I can see this beautiful land becoming desolate and barren in only a matter of minutes. I get this beautiful picture of luscious grapes. Purple and ripe, so colorful and then all of a sudden they wither up and turn to black shriveled pieces of nothingness.  Most of this book is full of pictures of once alive and vibrant objects now dead and no longer full of the life they once had. Joel is writing to an audience that like the grapes that I have described, they have fallen away and are so far from the Lord's desire for their lives. The scenes change in chapter 2 verse 12. He is now beckoning His people with a plead for them to turn back to Him. I can in these passages see parents calling out for their little girl that has gone missing and the cries of their heart are heard all around them. In these verses He is not showing His wrath and rightfully deserved anger but He is showing His heart that is full of love.


The picture that is painted in Joel can almost be one that is found in an illustrated novel. When I read Joel and mediate on the words I can close my eyes and I am there."The earth quakes before them; the heavens tremble. The sun and the moon are darkened,
and the stars withdraw their shining." These lines, although tragic, are painting a clear a precise picture. I can visually imagine the earth trembling( much like the hearts of those who are hearing these words). The sun and moon are darkened, what a sad day it would be without a sky full of stars.

Joel 2:12

 "Yet even now," declares the LORD,
"Return to Me with all your heart,
And with fasting, weeping and mourning;
 And rend your heart and not your garments "
 Now return to the LORD your God,
For He is gracious and compassionate,
Slow to anger, abounding in lovingkindness
And relenting of evil"

These lines are so beautiful to me. When I read them I imagine the character of God. Even though Judah was in this state of turning their hearts away from God, He beckoned them in. The line "Return to me with all your heart" is in a sense breath taking. Its this idea of leaving the life that is currently occupying ones sene of being and returning to that which we are called to, a relationship with our ever present father. When I have done something wrong I often times am worried to tell my family about it. I try to avoid the conversation and take all of the possible avenues to avoid causing them worry. When I do finally muster enough courage to tell them something I am always surprised by the responses. Sometimes I get a sigh, other times I get a yell. However, when I come before God with these things I do not get a yell, or a cold shoulder but rather an open heart the beckons me in. "He is gracious and compassionate" those words are so full of truth that it will often at times overwhelm me when I read it. This is the standard at which we are to love, with grace and compassion. These convicting words are enough to send me to my knees. Not because I think God is angry with me but because His love and compassion despite my sin and shortcoming are even on my best day more than I deserve.
Slow to anger and, abounding in lovingkindness, this is the very nature of God. I fall more and more in love with Him when I read these lines.

"A Story about the Body"

This was a very confusing short story. I read the author's bio and I thought I would read this zen like piece of poetry. To my surprise I did not find anything to be that of poetic origins however I did learn that the man character was in a sense one of the shallowest men ever.
A women stands there in a very vulnerable, let me offer myself to this man, kinda way and he completely rejects her based on the fact that his preconceive notion about her body had been false. I visually see this woman ready to offer herself over, even after her body had been put to harsh extremes and his words cut deep. "I'm sorry, I don't think I could" reading these lines honestly evoked very strong emotions in me. Surgeries that involve removing ones breast are extreme and in a way de- womanizing. He is neither sensitive nor feeling in the way that one should be. It is not the fact that he rejects this woman but his rejection of her was based off of superficial reasoning.
I was disappointed by this story. In the same breath I wonder if the main character is just shallow or is he afraid that by sleeping with this woman he will destroy his view of the beauty he saw in her. Either way his reasoning seems to be cruel. I am not condoning lustful relationships but his motives and justification were very harsh, non sympathetic, and I would imagine that it left the woman feeling very broken.
I am not sure what exactly the bowl she leaves for him symbolizes but perhaps the bees were a sign of how stinging his words were. She may have even seen this sense of he seemed at first as appealing as a rose but as she dug deeper she saw what lied below the surface, a harsh, cold reality of who he really was. I imagine that he lives alone due to the fact that he is only able to love the surface of a person. I could be harsh in my assumptions but I feel as though the character is one that is written to evoke emotion.

"August" A short story

"Please tell me you know, I've got to let you go" these were the words that played in the back round as I pull out of the driveway. I found it coincidental, considering my initial motives for going to that graveyard. I looked at my hands that were covered in dirt unlike my heart that for once felt washed clean of these memories.

It was August 20,2009 the first time I saw Reed. He walked into class with bewilderment in his eyes. Unlike me, he didn't grow up in this small town and this scenery was new to him. He began to scan the room looking for a place to sit. Luckily the seat next to me was still up for grabs. I watched as he took those momentous twelve steps towards me. I cannot tell you what the topic of discussion in my world religions class was that day but the smell in the air was that of fresh linnen. 

I can't believe hes gone. I to tried wipe the tears that filled my eyes but all I seemed to do was wipe the mascara on my eyes even further down my face. "Its my fault, all of this is my fault." My mother reached out to embrace me but all I did was run out the door into our cow pasture. For once I was unable to admire the plush greenery all around me. All I could see was the cloudy view from behind my eyelids. I wanted to run forever but my run ended soon when I tripped over a shiny metal object in the ground.

He always carried that compass key chain with him, even at lunch. It baffled me because there never seemed to be keys on it. It just dangled back and forth. Pointing from north to south, east to west. Reed was a mystery. He saw me in the cafeteria and sat at a table facing towards me. It had been at least a week from our first encounter in world religions class so I thought, why not? I approached him and sat down right next to him. It was a bolder move than I usually made but he intrigued me so. Our conversation didn't just erupt like I thought it would. Surprisingly he just kept reading his book. I stared at the wore pages that he griped so tightly. Then because I am the most clever and articulate person ever, I asked "whatcha reading?" At that moment I wished to withdraw my comment. It sounded better in my head but now it was out there. He smiled and said "Moby Dick".His voiced surprised me. When I first saw him all I noticed was his dark hair, sun-kissed skin and his puce eyes. I thought he voice would be super deep and commanding but it was gentle, calming even. Taken aback I just smiled. He did as well pulling back  his face to reveal dimples and years of proof that the dentist is worth every penny.

I stopped in the road to collect my thoughts. "Why am I hear? I just drove an hour to see a person who I refused to say I love you to." These puzzling thoughts replayed over and over. With each thought I just continued to gaze at my nails that were still filled with dirt after I picked up that metal compass that lay in front of the tombstone.

She called me to come back in the house but I refused, I just continued to lay in the grass staring at his compass that he dropped during our last conversation. "It just is all to fast and I'm scared." At these words he shuffled dirt around his feet looked at me in the eyes whispered I love you and pulled away. If I knew this was the last time I would see him. I would of said what was on my heart. I would of told him that since I first saw him I knew. I would say so much more, but these cherished moments were that of memories. I could replay over and over again but that wouldn't make him dodge the car that hit him as he pulled away from my yard. Secretly I wished that I knew what the words he said to me mean't.

Our first date was not even awkward. Not like first dates should be. He didn't say much but I gabbed on about life, poetry, music, and even the little bit of politics I knew. He smiled, made a comment here and there, but mainly just showed me what a great listener he was. At the end of our date he was hesitant to hug me, afraid to be too forward I on the other hand leaned my weight into his arms and breathed in this moment that I wished would never end. However, it did. We pulled away from our hug and he smiled and said "goodnight". I had never known such perfection until I met Reed. That year was filled with so many memories, but that is all they were, memories. 

I arrived home at 8pm however, I could not move from my vehicle to the house. It hurt to even breathe. I realized that I had felt love grip me so close and I denied it even to myself. Fear kept me from revealing my heart to a person who held no limitations on his feelings. He let me experience such joy and in him I saw so much beauty. I touched the leathery wheel and ran my fingers through the cracks that were in my seat. Then I looked over in the passenger seat and I saw the compass. I reached my hand towards it and began to play with the needle. It moved back and forth, east to west, north to south. It was the last tangible thing I had left of him. But what would remain in my heart was that feeling of adventure that he gave me. "Discover" he said, "explore for if you don't this adventure called life will pass you by." So I started my car, put it in reverse and headed for an unknown destination, life. The compass on my dashboard leading the way as I rolled down the windows and let the wind breeze tousle my hair back and forth. For once I felt the way Reed had always felt, alive.

This Blessed House Cont.

Jhumpa Lahiri created something beautiful when she created the character of Twinkle. This character captured my heart when I read This Blessed House. Physically she could not be more beautiful. The whole dinner party discusses her beauty and people are constantly making comments to her husband on how beautiful she is.I envision her as this tan, petitie, indian women who is constantly moving in this harmonious rhythm. She is 27 years old but her spirt is much younger than that. She is currently a student working on her masters degree as is revealed through Sanjeev's thoughts during the dinner party. Apparently, Twinkle's family had abandoned her right before she and Sanjeev had gotten married and yet she seems to still be able to enjoy life.

Twinkle's character can be described as a free spirit. She is careless and throughout the story she seems not just easy amused but she is able to really appreciate every small but beautiful moment. From the way that she interacts with her husband she appears to be more of the "fun loving" one of the relationship.
I think in an unconventional way she loves her husband. He is very different from her and they are not the typical newlywed couple. I think from an outsiders point of view they seem like complete opposites. When I look deep within I can see that they are both dedicated to their relationship. Their love is not one of butterflies but that of commitment. Twinkle is passionate in life and I firmly believe she truly loves Sanjeev.

Something I have noticed about Twinkle is even though she is not a Christian she is respectful of what she finds in the house. I think her outlook on the world is that it is fulled with new things for her to learn about. She is eager to learn new things. Even beliefs that she does not necessarily follow.

I think an inner conflict Twinkle finds herself wrestling with is the idea that maybe her and Sanjeev are just too different. All throughout the story she seems to have opposing views with her husband and these conflicts have to make her wonder. I know she is pretty free spirited but there has to be these thoughts that her mind wrestles with. Can we make it? Am I just too wild for him?

I conclude with these thoughts, Twinkle is the reason I love this story so much. She is a beautiful, free sprited, kind, and a passionate woman. Her personality not only lights up a room but it has this sparkling effect. She is so full of life and reading this story made me want to grab a bottle of vingar and make something "magical".