Special Post #2

1. "What sort of lover am I to think so much about my affliction and so much less about hers? Even the insane call, 'Come back,' is all for my own sake. I never even raised the question whether such a return, if it were possible, would be good for her. I want her back as an ingredient in the restoration of my past. Could I have wished for anything worse?" C.S Lewis, A Grief Observed, Pg. 41
On this page C.S Lewis is continuing in his thoughts on grief. He has lost the love of his life and is trying to healthy mourn for her lost but her finds himself desiring her back even though that may not be the best option for her. This could be for several reasons. She was in several pain due to her body trying to fight renal failure, just possibly she would have grown to no longer love him (his thought in the book), they could have been living a life of lies, or possibly this could be the rantings of a lonely man. I am going to stray away from saying it is merely rantings.

2. The reason that this passage needs to be interpreted is because C.S Lewis has never before revealed parts of himself to this degree before. When I first read this book, I had to double take at the authors name. Not because there weren't complex metaphors or because I was bored to tear, but rather it was the fact that I thought I was reading someone's journal rather than a piece of literature (perhaps they are all the same). C.S Lewis goes from challenging our faith, to the magical land of Narnia and then takes us for a journey into the deepest, and perhaps most darkness places of his soul. Reading this passage I was not sure what to take away. Usually it is just a part of grief to mourn for ones lost spouse but this grief seemed much darker than anything I had read. It was as if the possibility of is his wife had no passed, would they live together a few more years and realize they never loved each other. That their actions throughout their marriage were self based even so would her return be for someone else other than himself?

3. This story is about grief, and to the extent that this book is about the deepest, most dark places of ones soul that can only be revealed or shown when going through absolute despair. C.S Lewis has reached this point due to the loss of his wife. When she was alive I would imagine that the love that they shared was strong, but I believe even more so that it was proved to be stronger than he ever thought after she was no longer present in the flesh. I was very young when I loss my grandmother, even so young that it was almost beyond my comprehension. I was extremely close with her, and I can relate to wanting to almost have her stay due to the light she carried into the room with her, however reasons for keeping her would not be as persuasive as the reasons as to why she had to go. She was in suffering much like Lewis' wife, her time on the earth was completed. That still didn't take away the sting and pain of having to watch her go. This line pierces me when I think of her death, "I want her back as an ingredient in the restoration of my past." Most of the memories I had as a child were at her house laughing and playing with all of the collectible jewelry she kept from over the years. When Lewis says this life, I believe him to be meaning that one of the reasons for wanting her back is so that he can remember parts of his past he may feel the need now to suppress due to the pain it causes to relive those moments. It is this tension between is my pain greater than the pain she felt. Is my desire for her back completely devoid of her feelings and if so is this love?

4. I believe that is a correlation between the thoughts of Lewis and I. In the very next page, he continues to discusses this grief he feels with the idea that there is a possibility that his sin and her sin would drive them to realize each others sin and push them away from one another. I can see that he is beginning to doubt in his faith. No so much as it relates to God but his faith in the love he shared with his wife. He wants her back to remember the past but the idea and reality of dealing with what could of happened in the future is sounding greater than his desire to have her back. This very well could just be the settling of the grief portraying him to be a different man. If I am just being honest grief also brings out sides of me that I never knew existed. Its as if to be tapped into the full self is to be pulled from all sense of bliss in order to embrace the reality. Perhaps that is too much of my extremist personality lets meet halfway. To know joy we must experience suffering. Instead of brashly pushing it away we must sometimes embrace it, for its season will come and go but there are lessons to be learned during these times. I suppose this was a bit of a tangent to go on but I believe after reading the next couple of pages Lewis and I are united to a point in our thoughts.

5. Its no so much that my interpretation matters as much as it matters to interpret what is mean't and what the purpose is to suffer. The author throughout this book is searching for the purpose of grief and loss are. He knows that everyone dies and that eventually he too will also die, however embracing this death proves to be more difficult than he bargained for. His love for H was strong but perhaps it was only as strong as he made it. Perhaps the illusion of what they had is what he holds near and tight to rather than what they really were. We all must experience suffering, in order to realize what joy can be found in life. If there were only moments of laughter not sadness we, I believe would have this strong sense of community. Without moments of tears we become just one sided beings, unlike the round and broad creatures that the Lord has so carefully constructed.


I end this post on this note. While I have said what I believe my interpretation of this text is, always remember "interpretation much like beauty, is in the eyes of the beholder."